Vampegeddon (2010) Online

"I want mooooooore/Get on the floooooooor"

I considered just using the above lyrics as the full review for this horrible, horrible movie. They embody the lame, triteness and utter incompetence of it. I gave this movie a 3 to dissuade people from watching it as a good/bad movie. It's just flat out bad without the benefit ironic grins to save it.

I'll frequently get movies based on titles alone. It's a crap shoot. "The Nude Vampire" paid off. "Vampegeddon" came up snake eyes. This movie disappoints at every frame from the overly long and confusing pre- credit sequence in which the dialogue sounds dubbed to forced attempts at humor. Rather than characters, you get stereotypes of stereotypes including what I guess was meant to be a nod to Jay and Silent Bob...except Silent Bob won't shut up. Apparently, unless you're the head vampire, you're either retarded or can't find your inhaler which causes your to hyperventilate.

Here's the thing - The head vampire needs teens to call him forth yet they're given the means to do it by...another vampire. Plot point hole, meet Mac Truck.

This genre depends on suspending your disbelief. Or great special effects. Or lots of sex and flesh. None of that is here.

That said, you have to have a certain amount of admiration for someone that actually makes a movie, no matter how horrible it is.

Released to video in 2010, "Vampegeddon" is raunchy exploitation trash about vampires and youths in the Arizona desert, including a lesbo vamp. If your dark side thinks that makes it worth seeing, think again. The non-special effects are limited to monster make-up that makes the vampires look like Uncle Fester. It comes across as a student film and should've never been released to video -- yes, the filmmaking is THAT bad. The only positives are one or two curvy girls and a great underground metal soundtrack by Glendale, Arizona's Corvus (not to be confused with Germany's Corvus Corax). Corvus is an extremely talented band that successfully mixes styles. They're outstanding. At least the creators did something right.

The "film" was shot in Arizona and runs (mercifully) 76 minutes.

GRADE: D- (but the soundtrack by Corvus rates a solid A)

Whoever edited this movie missed a lot of con trails in the sky. You know, from airplanes which did not exist in the old west. Yeah....

The Indian girl at the campfire is wearing a gold chain. Indians did not wear gold or work with precious metals. Also, the blankets laid by the fire are Mexican style, not Native American.

Seriously, heavy metal juxtaposed with the old west does NOT jive. It's just jarring and off-putting.

The foley artist and sound mixer made the fire sound too windy and loud.

Igor, from the Frankenstein lore, is actually a Nosferatu-esque vampire? WTF?! Wow, really bad makeup work, overacting, melodrama, and horrible fight choreography on top of even more modern music that adds nothing to the scene.

I'm only 9 minutes into this film and I already hate it.

Then, suddenly a quartet of middle-age goths of various types appear and we're in modern day.

Gratuitous female boob shots (one from far away, one close up of surgically enhanced chest cantaloupes).

Yeah, because all goths believe in Wicca, vampires, and play D&D. NOT! Oh, and it's painfully obvious that they were holding small blood packets in their palms that they pierced with the dagger. Bad attempt to conceal prop blood. Had it been actual blood, drinking it would likely make them vomit. The human stomach does not tolerate blood very well at all.

So, why is the redhead immediately drawn into some strange guy's house to buy stuff? Why is that not creepy to her? Especially when he starts rubbing his enormous gut in an oddly sexual manner. Then Fatty McFatterson is surrounded by four naked vampires flashing their boobs and draining him dry. Yeah, that was the weirdest garage sale EVER!

How many sets of breasts will you see in this movie? A whopping seven!

The foley track has no sounds other than the characters' voices most of the time. No footsteps, gravel, birds chirping, dogs barking, neighborhood or traffic sounds, etc. It's eerie.

During the campfire scene's circle kiss, you can clearly see a cameraman's shadow on the rocks.

How can vampires feed without dripping blood everywhere and making a huge mess? They can't. Yet, the redhead feeds on the Nosferatu dude with no bloody lips or drips.

Why would a vampire with sharp canines need to wear and/or use a bloodletter? That's what his teeth are for, duh!

So, Liz has been possessed by a spirit, but the accent slips from an unknown British dialect to sounding more Aussie or Kiwi.

The big guy would not still be flailing with his hands after being decapitated. He should have gone down immediately. Also, the skinny guy must be really, really high to think getting doused in his buddy's blood is funny or cool.

Always, always, always put out your campfire and make sure it poses no danger before leaving.

If you stake a guy in the heart, the stake will NOT be pulled out clean and completely devoid of blood. Seriously, how many more mistakes does this movie have?

Since when do vampires and pentagrams go together? What is going on here?

The vampires' palms are normal skin color. Makeup fail.

The director is super seriously into boobs. We get to see a pair every 10 minutes or so. As a woman watching this movie, it's really annoying at this point, because it doesn't drive the plot and is completely unnecessary.

Redhead wakes up suddenly, screams, and passes back out. What was the point of that?

Once again, when you stake a vampire, the tip should come out covered in gore. Also, slamming two car doors makes no noise at all? How did she know where the keys were? How was it suddenly morning (even though that is really a sunset)? Mistake after mistake after mistake. Worst editor ever?

Wow, that was terrible.

After about 30 seconds thought, I immediately concluded, no! I saw Vampegeddon out of curiosity and I do like vampire and horror movies. But nothing about Vampegeddon worked, it really is one of the worst of its kind.

Where to begin with perhaps my mini-novel on why Vampegeddon stank as badly as it did? Let's start with the technical values. If there is a word to best describe the technical side of Vampegeddon, amateurish would come to mind in an instant, and I assure you that is being generous. The scenery is the least of the problems in this regard as it wasn't that bad. The sad thing is, that that is little consolation as you couldn't enjoy it. The editing was a large problem of why, it is extremely sloppy and has the feel of playing time in (very) slow-motion. The sloppiness of the editing not only cheapens the film but severely undermines any suspense, tension or scare-factor levels Vampegeddon aimed to have. The effects are slipshod at best, looking as if the makers were aiming for quantity rather than quality. There is a lesson to be learnt, sometimes less is more. And then there is the make-up, which is appalling, I've rarely seen make-up this bad actually with the vampires looking like bad Uncle Fester clones, and the clichéd costumes evoked the very same reaction.

Even with bad production values, you'd hope that there'd be redeeming qualities elsewhere. Sadly, that was not the case with Vampegeddon. Music has always been a big part of my life and I love it in films when it is good. The music however here is one of many disasters with Vampegeddon, it is not only generic and over-bearing but it didn't fit the tone of the movie at all and this really takes away from any atmosphere. This said, there isn't much of an atmosphere here in the first place. The gore is really artificial, blood for instance could easily have been tomato ketchup or something, and the gore is used in a very unimaginative way. Come to think of it, there are also no scares, excitement or thrills, the killings left me bored out of mind in alternative to biting my nails.

Instead it is replaced by many other things that should fill a book titled "100 Ways in NOT to make a film". I cannot count the number of times I was rolling my eyes at the sheer idiocy of the dialogue. Lines like "they're (insert obscenity) maniacs" and "and lesbians too" are enough to numb the mind. Vampegeddon is only about an hour and a quarter, but watching it you could have sworn it was longer. And that is entirely because of the story, and the fact that it is unoriginal is not the problem. Everything feels so clumsy, too random and as a matter too paper-thin to be counted as predictable. The garage sale seemed to be there for no reason, there are people that wander in and out of the story, often for no reason, and there are things like Melissa saying that she needs to become a vampire that are given no explanation. The fight sequences are more slapstick comedy than anything else, and made even worse by the editing.

If you are looking for any likable characters, I'd suggest you look elsewhere. There isn't an ounce of likability in any of these characters, they are both stock and insufferably annoying. Melissa is the absolute worst, even in her very first scene you already can't stand the sight of her. And need I mention that they are stereotypical as well, that mayn't be so bad but it's the way these stereotypes are treated in Vampegeddon that are going to infuriate people. This is particularly true with Goths being portrayed as naive and dumb. And to put the final nail in the coffin(pun intended) the acting- and direction for that matter- is so terrible that you'd call it non-existent. Jacqueline Smith as Liz is the least bad, she is somewhat tolerable, but that's it. Everybody else, especially the actors of Melissa, Giovanni and Igor, is hilariously bad.

Overall, there isn't anything that isn't bad about Vampegeddon, it is one gigantic mess through and through. 0/10 Bethany Cox