Things (1989) Online

Where to begin? I have also seen what I thought was the worst horror movie ever made, that being "Night of Horror", but then I saw "Things" and everything changed.

There is no doubt about it, Things is easily the worst horror movie ever made. It could also be the worst movie ever made. I have no idea how something this bad could end up on VHS and then on DVD years later. I can safely say I don't think we will ever see a bluray release. There's really no point haha.

As much as I thought this movie sucked, I have to admit I loved watching most of it. The stuff between brothers Don and Doug is so bad it's awesome.

Things makes little sense, features Amber Lynn in a totally throw away non-nude part(boo!), has terrible effects/lighting/audio and contains the worst acting known to man.

I give it a 1/10 but also say it's a must see for anyone who loves bad horror flicks.

I have only this to say: You may not remember what happened in this film, (or you may TRY to forget) but you will never forget the experience of watching it. Trust me on this. It is BEYOND bad. Are you listening? BEYOND bad...

This is it my friend. When you haunt video stores in the hope of finding the worst movies ever made you can stumble across all types of elements that can make a movie terrible but 'things' managed to combine them all to produce a film that is so bad that it totally represents the bottom of the cinematic barrel.

1.Bad special effects. Check. The mutant ants (which seem to number in the dozens despite the tiny belly that they erupted from) in some scenes seem to be filled with green slime and in others, paper mache.

2.Bad dialog. Check. This is one of those movie where everyone seems compelled to make noise no matter what they are doing. My favorite scene involves a man looking through cupboards and saying "Hummm" as he opens each one.

3.Fully dressed Porn star. Check. Porn star and club owner Amber Lynne shows up as a reporter who spends the entire movie sitting on a chair and reading off cue cards. The remarkable thing is that in one of her first mainstream films, the set she is on has lower production values than any porn she had appeared in.

4.Referrences to better movies. Check. The biggest mistake a bad movie can make is reminding the audience of much better films and "Things" seem to revel is discussing movies like "Evil Dead" and comments about "last house on the left"

I could go on but the point has already been made. Of all the movies I have seen in my life this may actually be the worst. I know negative reviews will often cause people to seek out certain films but let me just say, watch at your own risk.

I am a bad movie buff. But "Things" made me hate all of Canada by proxy. It is seriously that bad. I watched it TWICE. Once with a buddy. (He has not visited my house since then, so he might not be my buddy anymore. I don't blame him, really.)

Then I showed it at a get-together with about a dozen friends who also love bad films. My hopes were that their good spirits and jolliness would find some seeds of corn in this turn. They were game - they tried to joke and laugh at it, but in the end it was Man vs. Machine. And, sadly, "Things"'s mean-spirited stupidity and bad sound quality triumphed over my friends' willpower - by the end, their spirits were broken. All they could do was sit there glumly and say mean things about my mom.

I am a bad movie buff, so I thought I "needed" to see Things. I was wrong. If you are a bad movie buff, and you're considering this, back away slowly. Trust me. You do NOT need to see Things. It is worse than Curse of Bigfoot. It is worse than The Creeping Terror. It might not be worse than the soul-crushing dreariness that is Theodore Rex, but it's a toss-up. Get out while you still can.

I actually BOUGHT this thing, and it's sitting on my DVD shelf right now. It's making me dislike the movies that sit next to it on the shelf by association. It's honestly that terrible.

OK it's late and I don't have the energy to do it justice, but I am committed to telling the world about the 'Things' screening in Toronto this past Saturday. In case you didn't hear Things is the most hilariously incompetent and berserk movie ever made in Canada (NOT the worst though - that honor goes to 'Caged Terror' - competence isn't everything) and possibly the universe. It is mostly shot on Super 8 and basically involves some hosers drinking beer and wandering around the house. They are occasionally interrupted by an inert papier-mache ant with fangs - it doesn't seem to bother anyone too much that it ate its way out of one of the guys' wife's stomach - and 'newscasts' of moonlighting pornstar Amber Lynn reading cue cards WAY off to the side somewhere. There is one scene where a guy silently waves a flashlight around a bathroom for ten full minutes. Dialogue includes "Next time we go somewhere together I'm leaving you at home!" and "Does a toilet flush during a blackout?" Star Ray TV's legendary Jan Pachul shows up as some kind of 'mad scientist' and trumps everyone with his skeezing hyperbolic delivery even though he's basically playing the same mullet-headed boob as all the others. You can not believe that this thing cost two months and $30,000 to make. They must have bought a lot of beer!

But the real show was the guys themselves. Most of the crew showed up for this, the 19 1/2 anniversary screening - which they said was the first time they ever saw it with an audience! The director was a modest soft-spoken guy, but the co-writer/'star' was very stoned and just could not shut up. He seemed to alternate between embarrassed, pre-emptive defensiveness and attempted good-natured embrace of the audience's howling contempt for their work - signified by him going "HEHHEH" very short and sharp and loud about every thirty seconds during the movie. When Trash Palace proprietor Stacey Case paused the tape for intermission Gillis insisted on telling everyone how much better it was about to get. (It really really didn't.) After the movie he took to the stage and wouldn't let it go; he talked so much no one could start the Q & A, and when the director gave it a shot he talked over HIM. He repeatedly promised to give everyone an autographed DVD (with extras!!) and to interview people for a 'documentary' they were going to do about the movie. Unfortunately both were sidetracked when - AFTER the movie had been over for about ten minutes - they went to turn the camera on and couldn't get it to work. Instead we got to watch three of these guys torture the camera in the corner for perhaps fifteen minutes while Stacey tried desperately to fill up the space. Finally the guy - who had been moaning about the turnout intermittently all night - stood on the stairs and yelled something to the effect of, "I mean I don't HATE Stacey, he's gotta make a living..." at which point the heretofore mesmerized audience came to the collective realization that they might actually never ever get out of there alive, so I did everyone a favour and started making strong ready-to-go gestures like standing up and putting on my backpack. Fortunately the stars all suddenly went out for a smoke which gave us a chance to declare the evening officially over.

Marijuana is a hell of a drug. I feel privileged to have been a part of this event - now "Things" will have new layers of meaning every time I watch it, which I expect will be once or twice a year for the rest of my life. (And for the record, the free DVDs did happen, after I left...peace Barry!)

THINGS is notable mostly as a curio, being the mainstream(?) film launchpad of blue movie queen Amber Lynn. So popular was she in the jizz biz, it seemed inevitable that she'd do a non-sexual role. Well...in this stultifying mess, Amber demonstrates that she is, indeed, able to read(!). Her participation consists entirely of prerecorded video footage which features her as a news anchor, reporting a number of random idiocies on a t.v. in the house where this "movie" takes place. She looks just as if she were on a porn set, and reads blankly from a cue-card at the side of the camera(after suffering through a few moments of this, you'll be praying for Ron Jeremy to enter the scene and shovel his hairy business into her flapping maw just to keep her silent).

What we're offered, besides the dramatic marvels of Ms. Lynn, is badly shot footage(sans synchronized sound)of drunk morons in a trashy house spouting bits of witless dialog, and a woman in the bedroom who dies while giving birth to several immobile paper-mache bugs that look like baked hams with spindly legs and fangs. That's about all I can say for certain, as THINGS is so unfathomably disjointed and illogically conceived. Sadly, I have little doubt that some will actually find reason to praise this garbage as some sort of "art brut" masterpiece, rhapsodizing with masturbatory ardor over its disorienting surreal quality and experimental concrete minimalism. God help them.

1/10...a legitimate contender for "all time worst" accolades.

Hello there. I'm a fat beer drinker from Japan. Beer is pronounced "bi-ru" in Japanese. Microbrewed beers are called ji-biru and are very popular. If I want to get drunk I am gonna buy some Asahi, Kirin, Suntory and Sapporo and get drunk as quickly as I can. You know, I'll get drunk with or without you, my Japanese babe. I'll drink beer till' my head explodes. Because drinking beer is better than having sex, I kid ya not. "Things" is a perfect film for dedicated beer lovers and booze enthusiasts. Grab some beer whilst watching this psychedelic piece of horror. Just beware: there 's still a couple of losers up there, don't let 'em drink all the beer. I'd love to drink some beer with Don Drake and Fred Horton from "Things" - these guys are beer-loving maniacs. There is not enough beer for 'em in the refrigerator. Hey sexy girl, may I ask for another Sapporo? You must see "Things" with me... I have seen "Horror of the Hungry Humongous Hungan", "Plutonium Baby", "Troll 2", "Night of Horror", "sLaughterhouse II", "Bloodsucking Kettle from the Alien Zone", "Raping My Pink Bunnies", "Sorority Girls and the Creature from Hell", "The Crawlers", "Porno Zombies", "Nightmare Weekend", "The Brain" and I must say to you, my lovable angel: "Things" tops them all. Chock full of blood and gore, farting ant-like creatures, bad acting, cheap hooker in the mask showing her snatch, chainsaw dismemberment and... beer. 9 out of 10 for thingies, who enjoy drinking booze. A beer smacking masterpiece of horrific horror. Biiru mo kudasai!

I literally got a headache trying to finish this movie upon first viewing but then I watched it again and again. Then I started to laugh so hard i cried. When I returned it to the video store (yes kiddies a video store this one is too bad for DVD) I had to buy it. This is beyond the worst movie ever made but it is also one of my favourites, because it is soooo bad! Much like the other posts, when people try to tell me what the worst movie ever made is I quickly bring out my copy of THINGS! There is too many bad things about this film to type so if you want a real treat search this one out! Trust me you will have to struggle through it the first couple of times but it becomes so laughable you will love it! P.S. If anyone out there knows where I can pick up a copy of Barry's follow up, "Wicked World" please let me know. I am now an addict!

The phrase "needs to be seen to be believed" is thrown about all too freely these days but it's the best way to sum up Things. Stanley Kubrick's 2001 has been called "A trip without LSD". I can tell you now that the makers of Things achieved the same result on a budget which I doubt reached triple figures. Gasper Noe has cited Gerald Kargl's Austrian masterpiece Angst (1983) as an inspiration for the camera-work in his searing Irreversible (2002), but I now know he also meant the searching around the house with a torch scene in Things.

Things has a group of people in a house besieged by weird genetic freak ants... or maybe spiders... I think. But I'm not sure because Things left me with many questions...

...Why do we hear the story of a boy who started off "as thin as a toothpick" but ended up "as fat as a fridge"? Why do characters speak banalities for ages? Why does the father look the same age as his daughter? Why is the horribly inept score bizarrely creepy in spite of itself and why is it almost non stop throughout the film? Why is a porn star reading the news and why is there even news being read in this film? Is it a film? Or did someone actually somehow manage to film a bonafide bad dream? Is it all a possible allegory for... hard drug withdrawls? What is up with that guy's bum fluff 'tache? Why do they keep drinking beer? Why is there a tape recorder in a fridge and did they then put their jackets in said fridge or did I actually hallucinate this? Why do the people act drunk, stoned or like actual zombies? Why is the editing so abrupt that it cuts off actual dialogue and why is the sound so inconsistent? And most of all.... why could I not turn away from this hypnotic mesmerising experience that came across as a nightmare and didn't make a lick of sense, despite it making my head hurt and eyeballs ache?

These questions were never answered. But I do know that Things will suck you into its surreal nightmarish vortex... and you may not want to leave.

Things is the type of film that you give either 0/10 or 10/10. And if I could give Things 11/10 then I would but that wouldn't make sense, much like the madness that is Things, so I won't. But I will give it 10/10 because Things actually managed to spellbind me. And not many films can make that claim.

Also, if the makers could contact me and let me know when the side effects of Things wears off I'd be very much obliged as I'm still feeling kinda weird and spaced out an hour after watching it.

I consider myself to be a bad film connisseur, but this movie is THE worst EVER!!! It's a badly made Canadian giant bug film, with even worse footage of former porno queen Amber Lynn edited between scenes as a reporter, reporting on things unassociated with this movie. Its a partial rip off of Evil Dead and Last House on Dead End Street, but without the charm of either. Watch at own risk,eh.

There is only one.

There is no other.

If you've been looking for the best, you've now found it.

To those who saw it and disliked it: you'll die never understanding.

I won't review the plot here, as there has been enough of that already. Such descriptions may provide information on the physical details of the events in the films, but there is something indescribable in the way it is put together.

If you want to understand, FIND IT! It is rare, but worth it indeed.

...and if you dare, order his second film, Wicked World, from his very own website: www.barryjgillis.com Long live the best film ever made: THINGS!

I love this movie!If you get a chance to see "THINGS",Do it! Sometimes a movie is so bad,that it borders on genius!Ok,maybe not genius but this movie had me in tears.I couldn't stop laughing.Barry Gillis,Doug Bunston and Bruce Roach all did great jobs in this!Plenty of blood guts and gore and probably the lamest creatures you will ever see provided by Glenn Orr.The movie that dares to ask the question,"Does a toilet flush in a Blackout?"

I laugh hysterically when I ask "What's the worst movie you've ever seen?" and my interviewee names the latest Tom Cruise, Scorsese,or even, Van Damme vehicle. (of course I'm not ashamed to admit the Belgian enetertains me). This flick is so bad I rented it for a second viewing just to convince myself, and a third to convince a friend...he agreed. This movie is disturbingly awful, but people still try to convince me they've seen worse. Of course, they've never seen THINGS and believe that the inclusion of nudity is enough to elevate THINGS to a higher level than, say, MISSION:IMPOSSIBLE 2. Laughable. Almost completely incoherent, nonsensical, no sound for looooong stretches, really lame attempts at humor (thouhg the part with the "Doctor" saying "This is horrible, ghastly BRUTAL..." is classic). Unfortunately, the only videostore around here that carried it closed down, so THINGS' reign of terror is over, and I can set no one else straight. I'm a man who likes to explore the video fringe, but this one almost convinced me to take in a steady diet of Spielberg for the remainder of my existence (blecch!!!) Anyone who can't see beyond their local multiplex should see this to learn what true bad is.....or, well, maybe not. Amazing, some of the things that get released...

I didn't really know what to expect when I started watching Things. I had never heard about it in the 80's, 90's or even early 00's. From the first minute it was clear the movie was going to be a very unprofessional one. But it still turned out to be a truly incredible viewing experience. The acting was horrible, dialog pointless, plot laughable, special effects not so special, music bad, pacing painful, editing spastic, picture quality like a 7th generation VHS copy (I watched Things from DVD)... and yet it managed to entertain.

Everything is so hilariously wrong that this is a pleasant viewing experience. Things is up there with enjoyable turkey turd gems like Manos - Hands Of Fate and Plan 9 From Outer Space. If you cannot appreciate a movie that is so bad that it is actually good I would not recommend Things. At all. In all aspects Things is so bad that it is great fun. Having porn-actress Amber Lynn on the cast just makes it even better (or worse) as she is not much of an actress (which didn't come as a big surprise). This film really left me speechless with a big grin on my face.

Sometimes a film comes along and changes your life forever. Sometimes a film makes you question everything you believe in, everything you thought you knew. Sometimes a film beats you down and leaves you broken, whimpering in a corner, nothing but an empty shell of your former self. Sometimes a film waxes so philosophical that your comprehension falters and all that remains is series of abstract and confusing images, their true meaning just beyond the means of your feeble intellect. Sometimes a film is just so ridiculously awesome that it blows your frigging mind. THINGS is one of those films.

In 1989, most of the world remained blissfully unaware of the cinematic monstrosity that Andrew Jordan and Barry J. Gillis had unleashed via the then-thriving direct-to-video market. The fact that this film got made is in itself quite amazing, the fact that it got released borders on the miraculous. Apparently, Jordan and Gillis were somehow able to convince Intervision that THINGS cost a whopping $350,000 to make, when the actual budget was more like $35,000. Honestly, that number still seems quite a stretch, unless beer and cheese are obscenely expensive in Canada.

THINGS was filmed on Super 8. It's grainy, out of focus, badly lighted, badly acted, and just plain hard to watch. The original sound for the entire film was ruined, which led to one of the most hilariously bad and out-of-sync re-dubs in film history. There are long awkward silences, unbearable static and distortion, and, to make matters worse, Jordan and Gillis are obviously making most of the film's sound effects by mouth. The final result defies words, elevating what would have just been another bad and forgettable movie into a definitive cult classic.

As for the story, or lack thereof, THINGS weaves the twisted tale of Doug Drake (Doug Bunston) and his wife Susan (Patricia Sadler). Unable to conceive a child, the couple turns to the evil Dr. Lucas (Jan W. Pachul), who artificially inseminates Susan. As expected, it all turns out rather badly and Susan gives birth to a bunch of… well, things. Fear not, however, Doug's brother Don (Barry J. Gillis) and his wisecracking sidekick Fred (Bruce Roach) are on the scene, ready to drink beer, eat cheese sandwiches, and battle the ant-like things with chainsaws, flashlights, and good old old-fashioned common sense.

Don't get too excited though, THINGS doesn't play out like you would expect. Instead it just kind of drags along as if woefully determined to test the limits of your comprehension and frustration. The action scenes are separated by long boring conversations, extended shots of flashlight beams on ceilings, and awkward TV news segments featuring porn star Amber Lynn, who presumably had neither the time nor the inclination to memorize her lines. Other highlights include Don and Fred finding a tape recorder (Evil Dead 2 anyone?) in Doug's freezer, one of the worst riddles I have ever heard, a ridiculous dream sequence, the horribly awesome soundtrack, and Don's epic sci-fi soliloquy.

When all is said and done, you need to see THINGS. Consider it an initiation ritual into the cult of bad movies. Rest assured, your first viewing will be hard to finish, but stick with it. Upon completing it your curiosity will draw you back time and time again. As bad as it is, something about THINGS just works, making subsequent viewings ever more enjoyable. It accidentally achieves a perfect combination of violence, charm, weirdness, and unintended hilarity. Buy it now, stock up on beer and cheese sandwiches, and force all your friends to watch it. You'll be glad you did.

Final verdict: 9/10

"Things" really has to be seen to be believed:it's perhaps one of the worst pieces of late 80's horror garbage I have seen including such abysmal low-budget atrocities like "The Shaman" or "Return of the Family Man".The ugliness oozes from the screen,the cinematography is amateurish,the acting is diabolical and the script is so disjointed that it doesn't make sense.Two lazy beer drinkers go to this creepy house to drink tons of beer from the icebox and end up having to fight some ant-like monsters with sharp jaws that were born from woman's womb.Utterly awful and inept piece of garbage with Casio keyboard music,laughable dialogue and paper-mache effects.A porn star Amber Lynn plays the small part of reporter:she clearly enjoys reading news from cue cards.A must-see for fans of the worst horror films ever made.You won't believe your eyes-"Things" is a sheer genius of atrocious cinema.

Things. That's exactly what this movie is. A jumbled mess of obtuse things that don't fit together, being forced to co-exist in 85 minutes of sheer avant-garde brilliance. Everything about this movie is a complete enigma. The premise, the purpose, and the pretense of this movie, because it makes NO sense, it serves NO moral, and the biggest mystery is to whether the creators of this film intended to create a mocking masterpiece, or if they just fell completely steam-roller flat.

The look of this film is reflective of the mindset of the film-makers involved: it's fuzzy, foolish, and downright foreign. Shot on 8mm, this Canadian epic is technically one of the worst films ever made. Everything about this movie is just wrong, from the framing, to the editing, to the sound mixing. Especially the sound mixing, because it's almost entirely dubbed, and everyone doing their lines seems completely out of their emotive mindset, it just ends up fascinating. The music is a mixture of mistaken synths melodies, airy repetition, and dastardly guitar riffs. The lighting is in eccentric Suspiria colors that vividly contrast our protagonist's blue sweater. The editing is jumpy, the shots linger far too long on people struggling to accomplish a relatively simple task such as putting on a shirt, or wiping off blood and goo with paper towels. It's only natural that the cast and crew had no idea how to film a regular movie, because they can barely dress themselves. Yet all this transcends typical technical inferiority and surmounts to something mesmerizing. A true testament to Canadian film-making.

The plot involves things, and characters who encounter things, and unenthused conflicts brought about by things. After things start appearing, it becomes a survival story in the vein of The Evil Dead, only less coherent, less logical, and with a lot more beer and filler. Nearly half of this movie contains scenes that further the plot in absolutely no way, and sometimes even twist the story into a complete knot. Describing the story of Things is one of the toughest challenges mankind has faced, because the premise has yet to be deciphered. So when one wants to know about Things, it all boils down to a mustached mullet man in a blue sweater fighting off giant rubbery ants after his spectacle-wearing brother's wife gives birth to said things after having been artificially-inseminated by a satanic scientist... or something.

Things is a strange case of the worst ingredients forming a completely happy accident. You have to be in a strange place to enjoy this movie, because it's so bad... it's beautiful. Some movies are described as nightmares on film, but most films are too coherent, or structurally sound, to encompass a true nightmare. A real nightmare makes no sense, and takes you from one place to another, so fluidly, that you don't even realize you're going there until you suddenly find yourself at that place. This is Things. A surreal mess of incompetent creatures and uncordial catastrophes, that you'll never truly understand, even after you have just experienced Things.

Barry J. Gillis is the greatest film producer of all time!!!! Things is the most entertaining movie I have ever seen in my life. This movie proves that you don't necessarily need to have any skill whatsoever to have a movie produced. The ghastly, brutal, horrible, and insane dialog makes this movie. Also, if you want to see the dirtiest mustache ever, watch for Don Drake (a.k.a. Barry J. Gillis; main character, writer, editor, piano effects guy, and director.) I am surprised that most of this cast, other than Amber Lynn (for obvious reasons), has never been in another movie since Things. Another good part is when Don consistently bashes a low-budget movie that is playing on the TV, just to make Things seem less horrible. The greatest "joke" in the movie is when Doug Drake (Doug Bunston) asks his brother, "how do you get paper children?? F*ck a bag lady." No, I am not kidding you, this IS a joke in the movie. Dr. Lucas also has a laugh that no man can match. There are SO many good parts in the movie, that one could write a book based upon it. Familiar Strangers is the band who does the main song for the movie, "You Got Yourself In A Tailspin", and it is hard to believe that these guys have never had a live gig before. The bottom line is that you absolutely have to see this movie.

That score! That dialogue! That awkward pointlessness! What in hell happened here? In similar situations, I usually half-jokingly say "I don't even want to know". But in this case, I really, really wanna know! For whatever reason this movie ended up like it did, it was definitely intentional. It didn't take a long time to figure that out. Somehow, that doesn't take away at all from how completely insane and random this movie is! It's like Troll 2, or Horror House On Highway Five, with maybe a little Zombie '90 thrown in. Exactly! That's the kinda odd I'm talking' about, here. Which makes me wonder How in the hell could I have gone as long as I did without seeing it? That's the part that gets me the most. And by the way, I adore this film. Mainly because I can watch it a thousand times and still have no idea what's going on. Now, that's what I call rewatch value! Whilst searching for next awesome B-movie for my collection, this is the kinda thing I'm always hoping to eventually unearth. It rarely happens, which makes it all the more satisfying once it does. Such a disasterpiece, that Things truly is a masterpiece. A masterpiece of the odd, the surreal, and the confusing. Why can't Troma ever release stuff like this? I'm gonna watch this movie so many times, it ain't even funny! And not to mention the recently released DVD offers two audio commentary tracks. There's gotta be something in one of those which offers some sort of an explanation. Although, if there isn't, somehow, I won't be surprised. If you like 'em bad in all the right ways, this confused Super-8 epic is nothing short of a beautiful experience... Oh! And yeah. I did notice how I said absolutely nothing about a plot. Trust me. It makes no difference. 10/10

This is the most influential and amazing film ever shot. It completely changed my life. It is about a man who uses his wife for experiments with genetic engineering + artificial insemination. If you want a truly bizarre indie film, get this one. It's really crazy, but nonetheless flabergasting.

The symbolism, characterizations, sets, dialogue are all so great you will be jeering. It's so deep, yet so true to life.

GET THIS MOVIE. It is absolutely jaw-dropping. You will walk away in awe.

Wow...

There have been many films that have come along that have achieved a level of awfulness so great that they become legendary. I could name a dozen off the top of my head, a dozen that in one way or another ended up defining a Director/Actor's career, a genre, or a generation. You may see so many of these films in your lifetime, or at the very least witness the countless references from a variety of sources, and you'll usually leave with the same question: can it get any worse than this? It can. It has. It may have happened all the way back in 1989, but in my estimation, it may never be this perfect ever again. What exactly happened? THINGS happened.

What is the plot? It doesn't matter. Who are the characters? It doesn't matter. Should you care about anything that happens? That really depends on the stability of your own mind. Is it entertaining? As entertaining a movie of this caliber can be. What exactly is wrong with it? Everything....and yet, nothing at all.

This is a movie that exists (and succeeds) on its own twisted level of distress and incompetence that it's amazing it can still be classified as a "movie." Whereas most films rely on the cohesion of its parts to form a unified whole, THINGS approaches an unparallelled level of disconnection between everything that's supposed to be holding it together that you may find yourself wondering if this is just some horrible dream.

And this is where the film succeeds. This is where THINGS comes together in all its glory. No other film in all my years of watching films has come closer than this film has to accurately duplicating the experience of a nightmare, failing in every respect to address the following questions with clarity and logic: Who are these people? What are they doing? Where are we? What am I looking at? What is that? What just happened? When will this end? (This final question compounded more so by the never ending credits that suggest a full cast & crew of hard working filmmakers, but whose contributions nevertheless remain inexplicable.) This is the kind of dream that is so confounding, so intrusive on your own solace, that to finally be granted the relief of having it end would only bring about the worst headache imaginable.

THINGS is unparallelled and unequalled. No other film is as great a contradiction of style and execution. It is awful in the absence of coherence and logic, and yet still manages to reach a level of perfection because of it. If you truly want to experience the greatest of the great bad films, then do what you can to find THINGS. Trust me when I say it's an experience you'll never forget. Ever.

Shot on Super 8 and 16mm film in 1989 for around $35,000, Things was the first Canadian shot-on-Super 8 gore movie that was commercially released on VHS. I can only imagine what people thought if they ever picked this up in a video store. We used to challenge our friends to finish Bloodsucking Freaks when we were kids, because that was the goriest blast of strangeness we could get in our hometown. I fear what I would have grown up to become if I had seen Things when I was in my teens.

Wikipedia is ill-prepared to give a synopsis of this film, saying "A husband with a fanatical desire but inability to father children is driven to force his wife to undergo a dangerous experiment. This results in hatching a non-human life form in his wife's womb, and the birth of a multitude of things."

It's kind of about that. There is also a lot of people drunkenly walking around an apartment talking about Aleister Crowley and Salvador Dali, too. There's a lot of beer drinking and arguing. And then there's former adult film star Amber Lynn in one of her first mainstream roles, playing a news reporter who has nothing to do with the rest of the film, with stories about George Romero fighting copyright law.

There's also a sandwich eating scene that is given just as much importance as the rest of the plot.

This is the kind of movie that I wake up at 5 AM to watch by myself so that I don't have to deal with Becca coming in and saying, "What the F is this S?" What the F is this S, indeed!

Canuxploitation.com said of the film, "Shot for pocket change in the bleak suburban wilds of Scarborough, Ontario, Things is nothing less than a violent filmic assault on its audience, putting viewers through a punishing gauntlet of technical ineptitude so heinous that it defies every basic assumption about what constitutes a horror film." They also referred to it as "an entirely dehumanizing film event."

I don't know if that's praise or scorn, a fact that seems to sum up most people who have seen this film. We know it's bad, we hate that we watched it and yet we feel that we must share it with others so that they can experience whatever we just watched for ourselves.

In no way is this a good movie or one I feel that anyone who isn't prepared to deal with psychological torture to watch. There are Casio keyboard tones distorted, chopped and screwed while people worry about going to the bathroom or discuss how they wished their brother had been born a midget. It's like if David Cronenberg got high on some old weed that you found in your sock drawer and sat down to scream a story at you through a child's megaphone toy, pausing every once in awhile to flip on different channels on the TV.

Before this I considered End of a Gun, Birdemic and Picasso Trigger to be the unholy trinity of the worst movies with no redeeming qualities but this one beat all of them to rise to the top (or drop down to the bottom in this case). Now, I rate movies in terms of enjoyment and I despise the term guilty pleasure because I love a ton of bad or cheesy movies and don't feel guilty about my love for them, I will sing the praises of Samurai Cop or Miami Connection for days if given the chance. However this one is trash, it's not so bad it's good, it's just truly and absolutely awful in every sense. I watched this in the right setting; with a friend and we both love bad movies but it was just painful to watch this garbage. We might've gotten a few chuckles out of it but for most of it we were bored out of our minds and started talking about everything else but the movie half an hour in. Afterwards we were both so resigned we contemplated giving movies altogether a break for a while but we planned to watch more and luckily the next movie which was Breakin' made us regain faith in movies and schlock. I see a lot of people loving this movie and saying it's funny and one of the best bad movies of all time and I wish I felt about it that way but instead all I feel is PTSD when I think about going back and sitting through this steaming pile of agonizing filth again.

NOTE: This film was recommended to me by Kenn Meehan for "Steve Pulaski Sees It."

Andrew Jordan's Things is one of those straight to VHS oddities that came out in the late eighties, and something along the same lines of a blue moon appearing on Friday the 13th in addition to all the planets aligning occurred to give the film a present day cult following. Films like this are lucky to get any kind of due, as most of them went released directly into obscurity. Things, however, thanks largely to the internet and the old idea of "going viral" in the days of VHS, managed to survive and thrive.

Things is a pretty stupid film; its aesthetic can only be described as "scuzzy," the "acting" on display feels more like videotaped hangouts between two friends, and the entire thing carries the vibe of a home movie meant for an in-home projector that's on the fritz. The film revolves around two friends (Barry J. Gillis and Bruce Roach), who basically get together to drink a boatload of beer and eventually fight a grotesque looking creature. Gillis' character comments about how his wife and him are incapable of reproducing, which leads to him urging his wife to undergo an experiment where she gives birth to a series of demonic-looking ants that disrupt the buds' casual hangout.

Also in this for the long haul is porn star Amber Lynn in a pretty useless role as a reporter who keeps coming back to inform us what is going on in the story; even with her commentary, Things is still a task to watch because most of the film is meaningless, low-lit conversation handicapped by poor audio quality. If nothing else, the film has a claustrophobic element, even though the film's narrative approach is something very realistic and commonplace. It sets itself up to model after some of the best horror films of its respective era, but once you realize the characters depressingly do and say so little, the overall effect winds up being tedium and lack of interest.

Predictably, there is a legion of fans quick to justify and affirm the quality (or lack thereof) in Things called "Things-ites." As usual, I find myself on the outskirts of most cult followings, residing far back enough to distance myself but not far enough where I can't respectfully observe. In this case, the "Things-ites," in this case, should also be commended for their ability to sit through this film more than once.

Starring: Barry J. Gillis, Andrew Jordan, Bruce Roach, and Amber Lynn. Directed by: Andrew Jordan.