To Catch a Yeti (1995) Online

It doesn't get much worse than this folks. To Catch A Yeti is bad in every respect, beginning with the creature itself. The bug-eyed gooning animatronic representing said beast is an insult to cinema, with movement literally restricted to the thing being dragged along, on a poorly disguised sled, through the snow. Similarly the annoying coos which emanate from the Yeti's static plastic face are an annoying as they are bizarre.

Beyond that the production values are below par from children's television, never mind a movie, and its star, one Meat Loaf, though tasked with the difficult job astonishingly manages to be the worst feature in the entire film, proving once and for all that rock music saved many a movie audience from his bewilderingly insensate acting style.

Plot and characters, in as much as they exists, are instantly forgettable, and quite honestly you'll spend the entire film being obsessively irritated by the Yeti. Yes, it really is that lamentable.

Arguably children might get something out of this on a Saturday morning while mom and dad enjoy a lie in, but an enjoyable family film this isn't.

Folks, I am a movie buff. Not just that, I am a BAD MOVIE buff. And a Tolkien nerd. Therefore, few are as worthy to comment on this movie as me, Captain Worthy-riffic.

This is the single worst piece of art ever.

I have seen 'The Stupids'. I have the scene where Christopher Lee says 'Release the Drive Bee' on my computer. I have graphed Costner's slow decline into the abyss. My Jamaican roommate and I have had many discussions into the actual net-worth of Billy Baldwin, and found that we could pawn him on the black market for several Eagles, if both the Eagles and the Eagle-seller didn't know what a movie was. But we can all agree, there is not a work in humanity worse than 'To Catch a Yeti'.

Granted, it tries hard, although I have assumed it was made by a sadistic epileptic ferret, the only explanation. I can forgive the fact that you can see the strings controlling the Yeti, which was almost certainly bought in the discount bin at K-Mart. I can forgive the fact that you can see the outline of a city building in the background of the scenes where the explorers are in the Tibetan mountains. And I can forgive the fact that I am considering dropping out as an English major, because any language that can take it up the tailpipe with dialogue like this probably won't survive much longer.

BUT I CAN"T FORGIVE THE HALF AN HOUR WHERE THE HUSBAND OF THE HOME ON ANY-STREET USA BERATES HIS FAMILY BECAUSE HE THINKS THEY STOLE HIS PUMPKIN PIE. MAY DEATH FIND THIS MAN SLOWY, PAINFULLY, AND PREFERABLY IN THE TALONS OF A MAJESTIC EAGLE.

Remember Folks,

Do not meddle, In the affairs of Dragons. For you are crunchy, And taste good with catsup.

To Catch a Yeti (1995)

BOMB (out of 4)

Incredibly horrid rip of E.T. has a big time hunter (Meat Loaf) tracking a yeti only to find it living with a family and beloved by the little girl. Even on a cute kids movie level, this film is quite horrid and comes off more creepy than sweet, which was its main goal. The movie is awful on every level and this includes the performances, which range from bad to suicide worthy. Meat Loaf has been good in several films but he's really bad here. The Loaf goes over the top and his performance is all over the place as if he doesn't know what to do. Chantellese Kent plays the young girl who befriends the yeti and she turns in one of the worst performances from a child actor. The screenplay is all over the place as well and the jokes are way too forced to work. The director apparently realized this was going to be junk because I can't see any signs of actual directing being done.

In the early 90's at the height of the appallingly cutesy direct-to-video Bigfoot kiddie flick craze there had to be at least one equally atrocious and icky-sweet sentimental claptrap yeti children's movie. This disgustingly gooey made-for-Canadian TV tripe starring a hideously wimpy, mewling, lovable'n'huggable emasculated diminutive teddy bear version of the Abominable Snowman scores a definite 10+ on the Vomitably Adorable and Overextended Cinematic Stinko Scale. Burly rocker Meat Loaf snarls it up something grumpy as Big Joe Grizzly, a cocky big game hunter who's hired by an evil multi-millionaire to capture a yeti for his spoiled brat son. The yeti eludes Big Jake's clutches and stows away on a plane that flies to America. The singularly charmless Chantallese Kent portrays the sickeningly twee little girl who befriends the yeti, whom the lass names Hank. Big Jake and his bumbling assistant Blubber (the supremely annoying Richard Howland) nab Hank and take him to New York City. The little girl goes to the Big Apple to get Hank back. Bob Keen, a special effects make-up artist whose credits include "Hardware," "Monkey Boy," and the "Hellraiser" films, made his unfortunate asleep-at-the-switch directorial debut with this ghastly offal. From the uniformly dire acting to the dreadful (markedly less then) special effects to the teeming surplus of stomach-turning heart-warming goo to the awful soundtrack of mawkish pop-slop tunes, "To Catch A Yeti" qualifies as anything but a good catch. The absolute celluloid dregs.

This is the worst movie on the planet. Without question, it is the sole worst movie the planet has ever seen. If you can call it a movie.

I don't think that THING was even fit to be called a puppet. It looked like an ET/Furbie/Yoda/Gremlin (Don't get the yeti wet!), and what's more, it couldn't stop smiling until the end. I probably could've done a better job with a paper bag.

The acting was horrible. The only good part of the movie was at the beginning when the assistant rang the bell to make a song. I think that clip would've been a better movie.

Honestly, I didn't even watch the whole thing. I fast-forwarded through 99% of that excuse for entertainment.

The Yeti grinned when it was dying and chewed in a wave motion because of its flexible plastic jawbone. And the people...yeah, feed it oreos and hot dogs! That'll be sure to nourish a random creature from the Tibetan mountains! The green-screen when it jumped was pathetic. Yeti there wouldn't have even gotten through customs on the airport (they'd NEVER check his bags). And when they're going to the Himilayas again, Little Girl just WALKS THROUGH with the Yeti thing! The bag lady doesn't even TRY to stop them! And the whole "I'll be riiight heeeerrreee" poke was pathetic. And 6 months later, while his parents drink pineapple juice with crazy straws, Portly Borat-Boy is still stuck by the road flailing his legs. And those yeti-noises...I swear, I would much rather have my face hacked off than watch that again. Well, actually, I DID get a cheap laugh out of the whole thing.

Amy Bristow (Chantellese Kent) has just found something cute and furry in her bedroom. Guess what? It's a yeti that her father accidentally brought back from Nepal in his backpack. No, not all yetis are giant size, in case you were wondering. Trouble is, there are two men who have also recently returned from climbing the same mountain and they have concluded that the yeti they were chasing has ended up in the Bristow family home. It seems a spoiled rich boy demanded a yeti and his father will pay the trackers a tidy sum for finding one. Can the bad boys manage to get the yeti back? No, this may not be a family movie to rush out and get at once. Still, this viewer found it an enjoyable watch. The actors are attractive and capable, the yeti is sweet looking, and the setting nice. Meat Loaf does a quality job as the main heavy. For those who like the unusual, stumbling across this film at the video store or library would be a good catch for family fun night, complete with popcorn and hot chocolate.

TO CATCH A YETI is an awful kid's adventure film about a baby Yeti that finds itself kidnapped by a pair of hunters and transported to America, where it falls in with your average family and yearns to get back home to the snow again. That's the entire plot of the film, which mainly consists of dumb scenes involving a model Yeti that rips off the look of Gizmo in the GREMLINS movies. Highlights of the film include the Yeti going on a skateboard ride through a local park and being smuggled in somebody's backpack. The animatronic effects are very poor, leaving this looking like a plastic model for the most part.

Even worse are the performances, especially those from a couple of the worst child actors I've seen in a while. A couple of the women seemed to have British accents and if they truly are British actors then I can only apologise for their presence here. Meat Loaf is the most fun actor as the stereotypical villain but even he's poor, just slightly less poor than everything and everyone else around him.