Easy Cheeks (2002) Online

Perhaps inspired by P.T. Anderson's loving recreation of porn's Golden Age – specifically the long-running John Holmes & Bob Chinn JOHNNY WADD cinema cycle – in his wonderful BOOGIE NIGHTS, edgy adult industry giant Extreme Associates (home of such idiosyncratic directors like Robert Black and Thomas Zupko) gave first time filmmaker Brad Siskin the green light to create a full length spoof of the fondly remembered skin flick series. For those new to the fold, Johnny Wadd as played by the late great Holmes was a private eye who always had the right tool for every job, habitually getting out of scrapes by applying penis to pussy. With their snappy sex scenes involving the massively membered star and a series of accommodating lovelies and a semblance of storyline (usually about drug and/or prostitution rings) punctuated with endearingly cheesy action sequences, these cheap 'n' cheerful oddities apparently hit the spot, packing them in at theaters throughout the decade. A few subsequent half-hearted attempts at revival notwithstanding, Wadd appropriately went out with the '70s, Chinn's 1979 BLONDE FIRE being the last "official" entry.

With such a wealth of material to satirize, it's sad to realize that Siskin took the easy way out, at least on a narrative level. Artistically, it's a whole different ball game. The murky, under-lit "aesthetic" of WADD has been painstakingly rendered with Glenn Baren's original camera work (incredibly, video rather than film) filtered through God knows what amount of post-production wizardry. Wigs and wardrobe are spot on, courtesy of Siskin, who also composed a sensational soundtrack with just the right amount of "boom chicka wah wah" to bring smiles to old-timer's faces, along with a welcome reminder that adult scores of the early days were often unpredictable, funky fun. Unfortunately, that's the good news out of the way. Plot has lone wolf gumshoe Dutch McQuade (Tony Tedeschi) out to foil an upcoming heroin shipment from arch nemesis Felix DeVille (Herschel Savage), hindered by his superior's insistence that he cooperate with unwanted partner Vicky Vanderlene (Belladonna). One of the industry's more accomplished actors from the post-theatrical era, Tedeschi should have been casting perfection in the lead role. Huge 'fro and groovy threads aside, he pretty much phones in his entire performance though. In fact, the only one to hit the right notes is Savage, not coincidentally the sole cast member who has been around since the days WADD actually played first run dirty movie houses. The classic clumsy barroom brawl – watch for Siskin's cameo as Tony the bartender – nevertheless provides a hilarious highlight, accurately sending up Holmes' touching inadequacy as an action hero.

Clearly geared towards the porno crowd rather than the post-modern poseurs who might perhaps get more of a kick out of it, the movie contains several very long (20 minutes plus) sex scenes, which wouldn't pose a problem if heat were maintained. Sadly, this only applies to Belladonna's showstopper. Proving herself a confident actress in John Stagliano's groundbreaking FASHIONISTAS, she's shockingly lame when handling dialog here, though she looks resplendent in floral prints and humongous sunglasses, bearing a passing resemblance to legendary Lesllie Bovee. Still, she seems the single girl present able to break through Tedeschi's "professional" detachment bordering on downright ennui. Her rape at the hands of convincingly slimy Valentino is far more mean-spirited than anything it purports to parody yet remains in spirit of Extreme's company policy of presenting rough treatment of its female stars (think spitting, slapping, choking and beyond) as erotic "entertainment", something I'm presumably way too vanilla to properly appreciate ! Strikingly featured Lezley Zen, so memorable in the Toni English couples offering LOVE & WAR, looks like Maria Tortuga as DeVille's dastardly henchwoman Constance Noire, great character name but victim of another interminably drawn out carnal marathon. Former AVN editor in chief Gene Ross, whose parting of the ways with the magazine was not entirely amicable, has a walk-on as McQuade's boss, his wooden delivery of even the simplest expository dialog sabotaging what could have been a cute inside joke. Unfortunately, that just about sums up this flick in a nutshell.