My First Porn (2005) Online

Robby D. is in the porno history books as that "award-winning" director from Digital Playground, whose work is consistently execrable. This series "My First Porn" aka "Jack's My First Porn" is as bad as it gets for reasons I will enumerate below.

First off, and damning enough in its own right, the goal here is to emulate (or fake, take your pick of nomenclature) the world of amateur porn, in order to supposedly cash in on that despicable genre's growing popularity. So Robby D., his hand (and tattooed arm) briefly visible in the frame portrays Jack, a phony-baloney music video director (or so he claims) visiting the studio (apparently that of Digital Playground) to get mentored and shoot a porno film. He's represented by his first- person camera, though during the sex scenes there is oodles of cheating with other camera angles thrown in.

His mentor is Marc the Saint, identified as Brah Bones, who one sees often in the dull BTS filler on Digital Playground DVDs, but gets to ham it up as a sarcastic know-it-all "acting" in this one. Robby D. as Jack's feigned ignorance of how to shoot porn is total b.s. except that he is incompetent in real life, awards (phony as this video) be damned.

If all that wasn't enough, Mr. D. has gone through this newbie charade on about a dozen of these DVDs, each time pretending to be a first- timer. So I wasn't surprised that several of his actors and actresses, playing themselves, pretend to be newbies to the biz too. The b.s. here is piled as high as an elephant's eye, with contradictions thrown about, as when Jack talks of his background working with Tommy Gunn on the "Jack's Playground" series (for DP) but not counting that as negating his amateur status.

Low point is when Gunn is introduced, with superimposed fanfare saluting him having won some b.s. AVN 2005 award for performing, and later during a sex scene the glass award is held up before the camera obscuring the action. Like so many corrupt and lousy Adult Videos of late, one is forced to plug or kowtow to XRCO or AVN on screen in embarrassingly obsequious fashion.

Actual content of the show is a series of fake scenes where Robby is eavesdropping on folks rehearsing (an insufferable pair Chris Charming, who has two money shots in succession to impress us and busty Austin Kincaid), the studio receptionist Arlene played by Terri Summers, humped by janitor Marco Banderas, or a stupid scene of Jack directing Euro talent who don't understand English (beautiful Lena Bacci with Joe Monti).

For novelty's sake, a very young Scott Nails (with a full head of curly hair instead of his trademark shaved head) pretends to be a first-timer discovered by girlfriend Teagan Presley, the contract star who is headlining this stinker. How about this being maybe his 100th porn shoot in real life, not first one?

Most annoying gag is having an old shlub credited as Harry Ballz (!) playing an old porn coot named Leo Pradnesh, billed as "Noble Pornlaurette" whatever that means in pidgin English, talking with a voicebox as if he had a tracheotomy, and Robby's faithful editor Joey Pulgadas gets a "voice of voicebox" credit.

Utter rubbish.