The Baby Juice Express (2004) Online

As has been documented before,Guy Ritchie's successful gangster epics LOCK,STOCK AND TWO SMOKING BARRELS and SNATCH (which themselves were by no stretch of the imagination perfect) bred an increasingly irritating sub-genre duplicated even more resistibly by other British-based directors.One of LOCK STOCK's main actors,Nick Moran,stars and co-wrote THE BABY JUICE EXPRESS with director Michael Hurst,presumably hoping for a similar triumph in the style of Ritchie's previous hybrids.Alas,the film fails rather dismally,floundering in it's low budget limitations (the settings are drearily claustrophobic,with uninteresting sporadic location work),silly plot,and witless script.

The film has a feeling of 'straight to DVD bargain bin' from almost the instant it starts,with flat,uninspired and artless TV-style direction from Hurst (who has since worked in the US on low-grade horror movies in virtually identical fashion),with only the expletive-leaden script to distinguish it from any run of the mill small screen drama.The frequent profanity does not help,with a cast of mostly TV established actors (Samantha Janus,Ruth Jones,Phil Davies among them) reverting to predictable mugging to try and get some mileage out of the decidedly mediocre script.Only Lisa Faulkner manages some flashes of quality in her role;an actress who has usually been better than the mostly routine parts she has taken,her description of criminal life in prison cells may be the best moments in a film that has very few elsewhere.

Moran should count himself lucky that Ritchie didn't sue for plagiarism as there are some blatant borrowings from LOCK STOCK:real life hardmen and sportsmen playing variations on themselves (Dave Courtney and Joe Bugner following on from Lenny McClean and Vinny Jones for example),a deliberately convoluted plot as before (some nonsense about intercepting an incarcerated gangster's sperm before it is received by his wife),and an overtly jokey approach.True,the film dosen't take itself seriously (there are no real shootouts abound,maybe because of budget constraints),but it simply isn't funny enough,with the attempts at irony (references to 'mockneys',Southend standing in for Bognor Regis) not coming off,the cameos (Julian Clary,Cleo Rocos,John Thomson,and bizarrely,several Arsenal footballers) forgettable,and the musical score repetitive and annoying.

It is possible to do low-budgeters with unknown casts,interesting plots or scripts,and stylish direction,but THE BABY JUICE EXPRESS is mostly overburdened with it's fairly conspicuous cast,derivative plot,crude script and prosaic direction.It is not particularly surprising that it sank without trace as far as cinema distribution was concerned,and ended up in eternal DVD limbo.

RATING:3 out of 10.

This somewhat botchy English comedy depicts the predicament facing a couple of would-be thugs, Desmond (Nick Moran), and Frank O'Reilly (Phil Davis), whose attempts to illegally acquire a good deal of money have been blocked by an array of genuine thugs who have become waspish due to the clumsy behaviour of these two amateur criminals. A stillborn boxing career of Des is marked by his complete lack of pugilistic skill, to the extent that Frank, as his manager, wagers their purse upon his opponents as a matter of course, so that when Des unexpectedly scores a knockout with a lucky punch, the accidental victory is sufficient to plunge them into debt, and in an effort to recoup their loss, the pair resolve to kidnap (for ransom) the "Baby Juice Express", a sperm sample furnished by a convict intended for the use of his girl friend in order to produce an heir. Being a graphic design graduate, any rationale of Des to be one of the bad guys becomes murky to his fiancée Lauren (Lisa Faulkner), as additionally the father of her beau is the Chief Constable of the film's setting, the seaside resort town of Bogner Regis (although the work is actually shot in nearby Southend). Nonetheless, she readily joins in with the men in hopes of finding some semblance of good fortune in what clearly is a chowder-headed scheme to abscond with pilfered mobster semen. The incarcerated felon, one Krawowski (Nick Brimble), is set upon begetting an heir to prevent the Crown from taking, upon his death, his entire asset valuation, and he has as a result appointed various underlings as couriers to smuggle the sordid seed to his turkey baster wielding sweetheart Trixie (Samantha Janus). As the entire population of underworld England is apparently aware of this quaint arrangement, a gullible Desmond learns of it from Frank, who apprises his younger would-be partner-in-crime of the value as ransom material of the potentially procreative substance, that is if they can manage to steal the latest vial. Numerous plotting complexities lead to slapdash adventures for Des and Frank, most of which pose some form of personal danger for them, particularly in the event that they are successful with the attempted theft. The film is produced as well as co-scripted by Moran, who also has the lead role, although having only indifferent success in each category, since there is little here to be found that will be amusing to many, while a great deal of the action is merely crude, and tasteless. Use of local colour is effective, but comedic interest is thin in spite of some well-crafted performances by cast members, notably from Faulkner who gains the acting laurels here with her perfect timing, and from Davis who contributes a fine turn as the senior member of the beleaguered twosome; Moran's to be expected Deer in Headlights acting style is roughly parallel to his playing in LOCK, STOCK AND TWO SMOKING BARRELS (1998). This is a low budgeted affair that yet offers good visual characteristics due to an obviously professional crew, although some colour bleeding, from reds, can be seen. A score from Mark Hinton Stewart is appropriately unobtrusive and smoothly recorded on a Dolby Digital 2.0 track. Unfortunately, a puerile emphasis upon excesses of poor taste within the storyline becomes predominant. The film has been released upon a Win Media DVD that benefits from decent visual and audio quality. Among its"extras" is included a 19 minute "making of" documentary that, while not completely devoid of interest, will be only moderately appealing to viewers other than those who are prepared to give unalloyed approval to the feature film.

Supposedly talented Graphic Designer, Des, has somehow got himself into a series of crazy scams with has-been criminal Frank and to the extreme annoyance of fiancé Lauren, are doing terrible at being bad in a typically British seaside town.

The naive Des is played with sheer acting charm by Nick Moran, one of the healthier talents that emerged from 98's "Lock Stock" film. We first find him within the confides of a run-down locker room, having boxing gloves fitted to his hands and receiving a phone call from girlfriend Lauren, played by rising UK actress Lisa Faulkner. Lying badly at the fact that he will soon engage in an underground boxing match, he psyches himself up, while Lauren sits alone at home watching a video that briefly takes a dig at Lock Stock & Two Smoking Barrels that would create large smirks upon anyone's face. In fact, I'd rather watch THAT video than Lock Stock!

Tensions mount between Des and Lauren, though it's told with true comic flare, with such reality, telling the audience this tale could in fact be true.

Frank, (Phil Davies) hatches a plan to hijack the 'baby juice express'. Which is what, exactly? Every month this gangster smuggles a glass vial of his sperm out of the prison and it's taken across town to his girlfriend, (played cooly and against type by Brit star Samantha Janus, wants a baby), something they call the Babyjuice Express.

Hurst and Moran's script is totally on the ball and the film never tries to be anything other than what it is. An English caper, with real characters, in believable situations and a cast that work together brilliantly, giving the impression that they're a bunch of mates making a movie together. If Ealing Studios, the great British name behind many of the classic British comedies of the 40s and 50s, still continued to produce films today, then Baby Juice Express would certainly be one of those films. This has to be one of the funniest films I have seen in ages.

got through 45 mins of the film before we decided to skip scene-by-scene to end credits (a blessing, cos finger gets tired!)

before I start, look out for ace lock stock rip off by ray parlour and David seaman - easily the best part of the film!

had high hopes before started watching it - but acting, plot, atmosphere, theme, etc left it abit thin... would say more, but have nothing better to say.

watch Evil Dead, police academy or ferris bueller's day off again instead.

peace out,

Beast