The Dean Martin Show Celebrity Roast: William Conrad (1965–1974) Online

The most painfully boring, bad jokes a human being is ever likely to encounter.

Attempts at humor (without a scintilla of wit) rooted in a vacuous dullness, filled by the toxic smoke that Bill Conrad tirelessly sucked out of his cigar and blew towards the succession of tedious human beings who took turns mouthing the most asinine one-liners, as Dean lights up cigarette after cigarette and Phyllis Diller brays like a jackass with its jaws locked open.

One comment by Bill himself perfectly summed up the proceedings: "I'm not used to telling jokes in public and it's obvious that nobody else around here is either."

This fourth roast features William Conrad (smoking a cigar as big as he is), then riding high as the star of CANNON, and with only five guests certainly qualifies as the shortest. First up is Phyllis Diller, wondering why Bill, radio's Marshal Dillon, could turn down television's GUNSMOKE for "this turkey CANNON." Nipsey Russell questions Conrad's qualifications as a TV detective, lampooning his talents as a 'basso profundo' ("this basso sang a song"). By far, the most surprising guest is the lovely Petula Clark, already a successful veteran of three decades in her native England, who comes on as Conrad's mistress (he is clearly charmed), having stolen him away from The Supremes! The always welcome Bob Newhart mentions Bill's 'distinguished war record,' eliciting a chuckle from the roastee. Jackie Gayle brings down the house, attacking those jealous of overweight people: "we enjoy it 8-9 times a day. What have they got to look forward to, love affairs? And believe me it's not 8-9 times a day!" He talks about Bill's career as a director, such biggies as "My Blood Runs Cold," "Two on a Guillotine," and "Brainstorm." The presence of Petula Clark leads Jackie to mention how British bands from Liverpool and Blackpool sing American blues yet speak with their own accents. Too brief but memorable, as Conrad concludes with a line from Beatrice Arthur's Maude: "God'll get you for this!" .