Hollywood Harlots (1979) Online

Lurking innocently on an Alpha Blue Archive three-fer DVD, Hollywood HARLOTS is a rather repellent movie scraped from the bottom of the porn barrel. It's unlikely I'll be signing up for filmmaker S.J. Kaye/Velia Manuel's later gay porn efforts.

MOS travesty, with idiotic femme narration, unfolds like many a Nick Millard potboiler, perhaps even copying the master of cheap-jack porn. A young woman wanders around in front of Grauman's Chinese Theatre as we're treated to boring tales of Hollywood. On-screen the action focuses on three unattractive women, principal of which is a ready-to-pop pregnant lady, evidently very down on her luck as she's participating in hardcore sex acts for much of the hour.

Of course a fetishist might dig her antics, being skewered with a carrot as dildo, riding a guy's Johnson, performing fellatio and having a couple of lesbian scenes. The fact that this is pure porn filler, basically an hour-long tedious loop, is revealed in a scene where she returns to her apartment to catch her man with another woman, and her reaction is so lame that after the "shock" look she bursts out laughing (silently, this being MOS), and gets right down to more shtupping.

Filmmakers don't try at all -the other woman's own entrance has the director yelling "Walk over to him, Cut!", duly left in the release print. Though there's a core group of featured talent, late in the film we get padding in the form of an outdoor sex scene involving a completely different crew -no attempt to merge it into the film proper.

Picture ends cynically where it begin, outside the gates of Paramount Pictures, where "Happy Days" is shooting inside those hallowed walls.

On the same DVD only recently added to IMDb, which I will briefly describe for the record. It's titled MASSAGE PARLOR and is unusually dinky in content, even by 1-day wonder standards.

That's because the film has simply one leading man, who has sex in a phony massage parlor for an hour. That's all there is, with four leading ladies, one of whom merely teases him as the sexy-voiced but seemingly unattainable (even in this lowly context) receptionist there.

As Muzak versions of Beatles tunes ranging from "Penny Lane" to "A Day in the Life" play on the soundtrack, lucky Gene gets a four-handed massage from Lorrie and her trainee Marge, with Lorrie being quite attractive but Marge doing most of the humping. For a change of pace he goes outside and makes love by the pool to mousy looking Stephanie, then it's back inside to frolic one more time with L & M.

The sex is real but the money shots are all fake (insert closeups), probably necessitated by the fact that this is cheapo real-time, barely edited filmmaking, and Gene cannot be expected to REALLY be able to ejaculate four times in succession. Oh well, that's what the fantasy of porn is all about.