Land Shark (2017) Online

Now, it could be that everyone who sees this movie is completely misunderstanding it. What is seen as terrible, wooden acting, is actually carefully worked-out performance meant to keep the viewer off-kilter. The papier-mâché creature, a shark injected with human DNA that can come on land, rather than being more laughable than a middle school kid's attempt at special fx, challenges our desire for spectacle and for demonizing nature. The generic synth music and stock musical cues, claimed by critics to be less emotionally inspiring than the sound of lint falling out a bellybutton, reimagines terror as a deconstruction of melody and music's immersive illusion.

There are a lot characters without names (with less characterization and screen time than the time it takes to roll your eyes) who die graphic, bloody deaths. This means POV shot with a distortion plugin, actor falls, screaming, shot of fake-looking shark jaws, then shot of ketschup being sprayed on a wall as if it were a hotdog. We see a hot date with dumb young adults literally talking about meeting on Tinder, which I'm sure is a commentary on how ephemeral and unreliable technology has rendered our relationships.

The rest of the movie follows two scientists, Foster and Lucinda, tracking down the Land Sharks and having several epic, nearly mortal battles with them. They work for an evil corporation (made up of one middle-aged woman on Skype) trying to weaponize sharks to fight on land and sea. Yes, it's only a slightly more absurd premise than Vincent D'Onofrio's attempt to weaponize raptors in Jurassic World.

Thankfully, our leads have turns of philosophical rivalry and sexual tension. They get profound dialogue such as this:

Foster: Well, we can't do anymore tonight, so, we'll have to get a motel.

Lucinda: Oh, separate rooms.

Foster: Trust me, I wouldn't have it any other way.

Lucinda: At least we agree on something.

The movie ends with a confrontation between good and evil, man and nature, beauty and beast. We're left hungry for the chum suggestive of a continued saga in Land Shark 2: Land of the Sharks, dumped into the opaque waters of the conclusion.

I don't believe I watched this movie. I could only do it by writing this review most of the time, and looking up occasionally to see what was happening on screen. 2/10. Available on. Amazon Prime for your viewing pleasure.

Acting: What acting??? Plot: A greedy company experiments on sharks, who then mutate and gain to ability to kill people on land.

Special Effects: cheap DIY homemade Halloween costume "quality" This makes Sharknado look like an Oscar contender, because, at least, Sharknado was kinda fun to watch.

So my advise: If you want to be entertained, stay away! If you want to watch a really really bad shark movie, this is one! ... Why did I watch this and others like it? Because I still hope to find another fun-to-watch shark related B-movie.

This movie was rough to watch.

*****SPOILERS*****

An (assuming) pharmaceutical company is experimenting on sharks to find cures for cancer and other such maladies. Unfortunately some of the sharks being experimented on develop the ability to leave the ocean and go on land to claim victims and wreak havoc.

The company decides to send it's two scientists who are experimenting on sharks to destroy the land sharks. But, as we find out, there are deeper and darker things afoot.

So Land Shark is a typical Polonia Brothers movie. Take an interesting concept and make it boring with cheap/bad effects and poor acting. Also, add tons of filler material to pad the movie out.

There are a lot of people eaten by the Land Sharks in this movie but, unlike other movies, they are just there to be eaten and not really move the story forward. For example: In Land Shark and Jaws a woman is eaten. In Jaws they find the body later and realize that there may be a killer shark out there. There is a consequence for the dead gal. In Land Shark gal is attacked and we never hear anything about it again. At least not that I noticed. No real impact on the story other than some poor lady got eaten.

Oh, and what a spectacle it is when people are attacked and eaten. The blood looks too transparent and it's apparent that they are using squirt bottles to squirt it on bodies, cars, signs, etc.

The acting is poor so the exposition between attack scenes is a bit...slow and hard to watch. There is a lot of wandering around in the woods with laser weapons and a tracker. This is obviously filler material. Sure, you need shots like this but it happens so much that if you are trying to build tension it's a wasted effort.

I'm amazed at the Land Sharks though. Not because they are anything special but rather that they do have a unique power of changing size. This isn't a good thing. In a lot of the POV shots the camera is clearly below the actors. In other shots the Land Sharks look as large a car or half the size of a house. Apparently continuity wasn't a thing in this flick.

Story wise the the movie is a predictable b-movie affair. You find your self asking "why" more than anything. For example: why did this major corporation just send out it's two scientists to take out the Land Shark rather than bring in some guns for hire.

Also, with the antagonists, there is a bit too much mustache twirling "I'm evil" going on. It hits you right in the face with it.

When the scientists are hunting the sharks they are given exceptionally powerful "laser blasters" but like many other things in this movie their ability changes. I would have loved for their to have been a line somewhere that said, "these laser blasters are powerful and will take down these house size sharks but each gun only has three charges. After that you are out of luck." Instead the guns are either used like a Star Wars gun (pew pew pew pew) non-stop firing. Or, they are not used at all, even when the shark is right next to them.

The ending of the movie was predictable and could be seen coming a mile away.

The thing that I did admire about the movie, and the reason why I gave it two stars, is the model effects and makeup effects. They are not outstanding. As a matter of fact they are quite poor. But, I admire the DIY effort to make these things and composite them in the film in some of these shots. I do appreciate that effort.

All in all though this movie is a bit of a slog to get through. At least for me it was.

Barely watchable. As far as B- disaster movies go, this one is a minor disaster. Like all the rest, the acting is straight horrible. The story is ridiculous, and the effects are barely passable. Other than that it's OK.

------SPOILER-------

How is it that a "helicopter ride just south of town" (when they're in Alaska) is going to save their life, but at the end their flying over the Golden Gate Bridge in S.F. and it's frozen solid?

DNA experiments create a shark that can move and breath on land by wiggling its body. It can also growl.

This is a Polonia Brothers plus Camp Motion Pictures production which means it has a camp quality to it by design and shot in the Middle Atlantic states...oh wait! Mark made it out to California for a change up. From the shark we get a "fish eye" lens. Mark expertly edits in stock footage of sharks in with the big fake rubber looking shark, something only taught at the Ed Wood Academy of "B-" Art.

There are basically two people in the film (other than the guy moving the shark). Foster (Peter Baldo) is running the experiment and Lucinda (Sarah French) is his clueless assistant. She is one of my favorite B- actresses. Her stealth darting moves are comical. Not to give too much away, but eventually the pair hunt down the sharks with plastic molded guns that shoot laser bullets as California has different gun laws than Pennsylvania about hunting land sharks.

Please note this has nothing to do with the SNL skits about a "Land Shark." Guide: Infrequent F-word. No sex or nudity. 3 stars for the camp and keeping the rubber mask people in business. I consider this to be a Polonia Brothers classic, for what it's worth.

This movie is bad in every way possible. The plot includes every single horror movie stereotype, the special effects suck (the shark looks like a paper mache rhinoceros and the blood looks like red food coloring mixed with water), and the acting is terrible. That being said, it is a great choice for watching with some friends if you want to watch a really bad horror movie. With the premise of a shark that can go on land, you know that it cannot be great already, but this movie just takes that cheesy idea and capitalizes on it. Over half of the scenes are awkward and completely unrelated to the plot but they are really funny. The end is terrible and completely predictable but it just fits the movie really well. Overall, if you are looking for a good movie to watch, this is not the movie! But, if you want to watch a really bad movie, then this one is highly recommended! It made me laugh out loud more often than most comedies do. So, as long as you know what you're in for, this movie should be highly enjoyable!