Sexpionage (1987) Online

Hiding behind the phony name "Knut Mondal", Joe Sarno directed this very ordinary XXX tale of bugging and humping. Look is even cheaper than usual.

Things get off to a poor start with KGB agent Boris Provnik (Rick Savage) sitting behind a cheap desk with extra chair and crummy painting on the wall -that's the entire set. He and comrade Sonia Melakova (lovely Rachel Ashley) are posted to Crasdonia, to do battle with the new ambassador there, C.A. Puckett (C.A. stands for Carol Ann, played rather huffily with Southern Belle accent by Brittany Morgan), who's just been transferred from San Vicente, after a scandal.

The embassy is similarly cheaply dressed, with a couple of American flags and some office furniture. C.A. declares her mission is to avoid letting Crasdonia be taken over "by people who don't believe in gospel singing, religious meetings, plantations, southern belles or anything else American". Such is the nature of this video's uncredited script.

Humor comes in the form of C.A.'s witticism, comparing her ancestor's charge which aided the Confederacy in a key Civil War battle to her own saving a local department store by use of her charge card.

Provnik comes to the embassy to plant a listening device, with Sonia back at cheapo hdqts. with headphones on. He says he's there to "fix the windows", but the marine lady on duty there, Sgt. Elizabeth Wilson (cute redhead Dana Dylan) spots him as a spy and whisks him into a bedroom for some humping. (Same bedroom used for Sarno's desultory THE HORNEYMOONERS.) When C.A. returns to the embassy, Sgt. Wilson tells her how she handled the KGB agent. Transition footage outside shows Brit walking down a Brooklyn street, not passing for Crasdonia with its U.S. post office box and American license plates.

Rachel arrives at the embassy and immediately humps the other marine posted there, Cpl. Robert Jones (Eric Dylan, presumably Dana's real-life lesser half). Later, Boris returns to the embassy, drunk on vodka, and Brit "pumps" him for information -typical of the script's double entendres.

When this sex scene blows over, Sarno's editing is extremely sloppy, with shots shown out of order, causing the soundtrack to have Brit moaning "make me come" in voice-over long after the ejaculation has taken place.

The marines (the Dylans) head to the all-purpose bedroom next to shtup, with new pink bedsheets awaiting them. Another Brooklyn exterior has Rachel and Brit meeting outside to discuss "real glasnost" = real openness. We know what that means, and sure enough they go to the embassy where another shot of the Dylans is inserted out of sequence -belonging a reel or so back in the feature.

Salmon-colored sheets are on everybody's favorite bed for the Brit/Rachel lesbian scene, definitely the video's highlight as they are clad in matching black stockings, Rachel keeping her high heels on during sex. Sarno's trademark noisy vibrator makes a guest appearance applied to each actress's clitoris in a marvel of modern technology.

Sonia communicates to Boris through the planted bug, ordering him to report to the embassy "to practice openness the way it should be practiced". We're spared this redundant sex scene, with the junker ending on Brit and Rachel's kiss.

No expense was expended in pursuit of this assembly-line porn, an embarrassing stab at entertainment or dare I say diversion. It was only slightly refreshing to see the less-overworked Dana Dylan in action, but the rest of the cast seemed mighty tired of these lame assignments.